HELLO beautiful people! I’ve been called to write this for some time. Not sure if I’ll post this so If you are reading this, I decided on being vulnerable and sharing. For the past 10 years, I’ve dedicated (for the most part) myself to becoming a better person and finding out more about my spiritual side. I’ve enjoyed this so much and it’s allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible. As I’m writing this, I hear the sweet “clicks” from the hummingbird outside who visits our patio full of flowers. Hummingbirds are a reminder of joy and beauty, surely a sign as I document this piece.
The one thing that has been persistently present is the process of shadow work. I knew what it was and that it was important – but how do I do this? I am realizing now that ALL the work I have been doing is wonderful, however, If I don’t pay attention to the shadow side, I’m not completely growing – only one piece of me is, so to speak. It’s also creating a bigger dichotomy between the 2 halves… I feel as though the shadow side, or darker side if you will, has been acting more like a child who hasn’t been seen or heard and is growing increasingly more troubled.
Throughout my life, I’ve always had self esteem issues, weight issues and general self-worth issues. I’m not sure exactly how these came to be and I’m frankly not here to dwell on the past, however, I believe that it’s a combination of family, school and my personality that contributed to this. While it’s important to figure out why these issues came about and forgive those involved (including self), I believe that moving forward, taking responsibility for myself and where I am now and learning how to heal is far more important and better use of my precious energy.
Because of these above mentioned perceptions of self, I developed many destructive coping mechanisms; I was anorexic then bulimic for some time. I beat up myself for the way I looked on the outside thinking that if I looked a certain way people would accept me and love me. I drank; this made me feel like an extrovert, the life of the party (so different than feeling awkward and shy in the corner) and disconnected from my being. Because I am an empath, I feel so much in this world. Those who are, can relate. We feel not only our own stuff but we feel other beings pain, suffering and torture – this is why I don’t eat meat. This is a very heavy burden and to be able to escape it was a much needed relief.
The problem gets to now, where I’m 41 and still have these self-esteem and self-worth issues. Food is still a struggle at times (when I’m feeling completely down on myself) and alcohol is still used as an escape. At this moment in time, I am being very conscious of these things and abstaining from alcohol and being very mindful of the food I’m eating. This is a crucial time in my growth as it’s the ‘hard work’ and not easy. It’s a time where I’m meeting with my counselor on a regular basis, continuing to exercise, meditate, doing readings for others (my fav!) and doing self-check ins. (Reading my new book is still something on the list I need to do – ack!). I’m keeping busy with the kiddos, ensuring I’m enjoying every second of my vacation and being totally present for myself and for them.
In reading and listening all about shadow work over the years, I hear a lot about what it is but I’ve asked myself how in the holy hell (yes, I said that out loud) do you do it? My intuition was pushing me to write this. I’ve admitted these issues to myself, however, I feel that it may be more powerful if I say it to those outside of myself. Perhaps it’ll help others, perhaps it’ll help myself?
My goal is to be more me and be true to who I am. Honor my thoughts and feelings and to stand up for me, things I have not done in the past. I’ve let other people’s thoughts and feelings take priority over mine, feeling guilty if I didn’t agree or thought “Maybe they don’t like me anymore.” Well, to that I say “Who in the holy fuck cares?” I need to be true to ME now. Now is the time to stick up for me, whether that’s verbally or by simply walking away. Obviously, people disagree, and that’s mostly welcomed. I say mostly, becuase there are some non negotiables; cruelty, racism, etc. It’s the lack of self-awareness or care for where the other person is coming from is the issue for me and something that I will personally be conscious of. It’s the ego that wants to be right and that’s the unconscious. The more I grow, the more I feel empowered and at peace. At 41, I owe that to myself. I understand this road is not easy, and I’ve said this before and have taken myself on detours, HOWEVER, there is always right now and you can always begin again and that’s OK, my friend 😉 ❤
There have been so many times in the past few years where I’ve not been the person I’ve wanted to be and acted in ways that I wish, in retrospect, I’ve handled differently. There have been some who have judged solely for the action and have not checked in with me as to what’s happening and why this was my response. I’ve written this with love and openness and I appreciate the time you’ve taken to read this. If you find yourself judging, then you do not belong in my life – I send you love and wish you well, if you find yourself identifying or sending love to me on my journey, I welcome your thoughts and love and I send it right back.
A simple reminder to those in your life whom you love (this is to myself as well so don’t be surprised if you hear from me!) – check in with them and do so on a regular basis. You may think you know what’s going on in their life but people are good at keeping secrets and only showing their best selves. Never assume.
Love to and for those who have been there for me and continue to do so, I feel blessed and thankful. I hope this message helps in some way and if you have any questions, please do ask or share your thoughts.
Much Love, light and healing,
PS for the images, I pulled the “devil” card because it’s about those unhealthy attachments and addictions that most of us have; whether they are “healthier” addictions or not; it is all the same, addiction. Now is time to take a hard look and dig deeper as to why. Journal, here I come! I also pulled the “star” card because it’s about healing and growth, it’s about balance. I also chose the “moon” card; can you guess why – besides the fact that I love her?! PS these aren’t the traditional tarot representations but from my new deck, the Muse Tarot – love these!