HELLO beautiful people! I’ve been called to write this for some time. Not sure if I’ll post this so If you are reading this, I decided on being vulnerable and sharing. For the past 10 years, I’ve dedicated (for the most part) myself to becoming a better person and finding out more about my spiritual side. I’ve enjoyed this so much and it’s allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible. As I’m writing this, I hear the sweet “clicks” from the hummingbird outside who visits our patio full of flowers. Hummingbirds are a reminder of joy and beauty, surely a sign as I document this piece.
The one thing that has been persistently present is the process of shadow work. I knew what it was and that it was important – but how do I do this? I am realizing now that ALL the work I have been doing is wonderful, however, If I don’t pay attention to the shadow side, I’m not completely growing – only one piece of me is, so to speak. It’s also creating a bigger dichotomy between the 2 halves… I feel as though the shadow side, or darker side if you will, has been acting more like a child who hasn’t been seen or heard and is growing increasingly more troubled.
Throughout my life, I’ve always had self esteem issues, weight issues and general self-worth issues. I’m not sure exactly how these came to be and I’m frankly not here to dwell on the past, however, I believe that it’s a combination of family, school and my personality that contributed to this. While it’s important to figure out why these issues came about and forgive those involved (including self), I believe that moving forward, taking responsibility for myself and where I am now and learning how to heal is far more important and better use of my precious energy.
Because of these above mentioned perceptions of self, I developed many destructive coping mechanisms; I was anorexic then bulimic for some time. I beat up myself for the way I looked on the outside thinking that if I looked a certain way people would accept me and love me. I drank; this made me feel like an extrovert, the life of the party (so different than feeling awkward and shy in the corner) and disconnected from my being. Because I am an empath, I feel so much in this world. Those who are, can relate. We feel not only our own stuff but we feel other beings pain, suffering and torture – this is why I don’t eat meat. This is a very heavy burden and to be able to escape it was a much needed relief.
The problem gets to now, where I’m 41 and still have these self-esteem and self-worth issues. Food is still a struggle at times (when I’m feeling completely down on myself) and alcohol is still used as an escape. At this moment in time, I am being very conscious of these things and abstaining from alcohol and being very mindful of the food I’m eating. This is a crucial time in my growth as it’s the ‘hard work’ and not easy. It’s a time where I’m meeting with my counselor on a regular basis, continuing to exercise, meditate, doing readings for others (my fav!) and doing self-check ins. (Reading my new book is still something on the list I need to do – ack!). I’m keeping busy with the kiddos, ensuring I’m enjoying every second of my vacation and being totally present for myself and for them.
In reading and listening all about shadow work over the years, I hear a lot about what it is but I’ve asked myself how in the holy hell (yes, I said that out loud) do you do it? My intuition was pushing me to write this. I’ve admitted these issues to myself, however, I feel that it may be more powerful if I say it to those outside of myself. Perhaps it’ll help others, perhaps it’ll help myself?
My goal is to be more me and be true to who I am. Honor my thoughts and feelings and to stand up for me, things I have not done in the past. I’ve let other people’s thoughts and feelings take priority over mine, feeling guilty if I didn’t agree or thought “Maybe they don’t like me anymore.” Well, to that I say “Who in the holy fuck cares?” I need to be true to ME now. Now is the time to stick up for me, whether that’s verbally or by simply walking away. Obviously, people disagree, and that’s mostly welcomed. I say mostly, becuase there are some non negotiables; cruelty, racism, etc. It’s the lack of self-awareness or care for where the other person is coming from is the issue for me and something that I will personally be conscious of. It’s the ego that wants to be right and that’s the unconscious. The more I grow, the more I feel empowered and at peace. At 41, I owe that to myself. I understand this road is not easy, and I’ve said this before and have taken myself on detours, HOWEVER, there is always right now and you can always begin again and that’s OK, my friend 😉 ❤
There have been so many times in the past few years where I’ve not been the person I’ve wanted to be and acted in ways that I wish, in retrospect, I’ve handled differently. There have been some who have judged solely for the action and have not checked in with me as to what’s happening and why this was my response. I’ve written this with love and openness and I appreciate the time you’ve taken to read this. If you find yourself judging, then you do not belong in my life – I send you love and wish you well, if you find yourself identifying or sending love to me on my journey, I welcome your thoughts and love and I send it right back.
A simple reminder to those in your life whom you love (this is to myself as well so don’t be surprised if you hear from me!) – check in with them and do so on a regular basis. You may think you know what’s going on in their life but people are good at keeping secrets and only showing their best selves. Never assume.
Love to and for those who have been there for me and continue to do so, I feel blessed and thankful. I hope this message helps in some way and if you have any questions, please do ask or share your thoughts.
Much Love, light and healing,
PS for the images, I pulled the “devil” card because it’s about those unhealthy attachments and addictions that most of us have; whether they are “healthier” addictions or not; it is all the same, addiction. Now is time to take a hard look and dig deeper as to why. Journal, here I come! I also pulled the “star” card because it’s about healing and growth, it’s about balance. I also chose the “moon” card; can you guess why – besides the fact that I love her?! PS these aren’t the traditional tarot representations but from my new deck, the Muse Tarot – love these!
Hello Dear Souls!
I hope this message finds you happy, healthy and at peace. I have been urged to write, so I'm writing. I'm not quite sure where this will go, so please have patience as I navigate through my thoughts and feelings. PS. Don't you want to be sitting on that bench?! Bet it smells amazing!
First off, what a year 2020 was, huh?! Have you had a chance to reflect on what the year was for you? I haven't really dedicated an allotment of time to reflect, however, it's come to me over time as if it's a thriller/drama and I only get bits and pieces at a time until the end when "BAM" it hits me - OH that's the ending?! However, as we know the ending is only just the beginning. As we grow/heal, it makes room for more growth and healing which well, frankly, sucketh ass but if we want to grow then we must face the challenges that are presented. Sometimes they are small, sometimes they seem large but all important nonetheless. I have learned in the beginning of my journey to say to my angels/guides "ease up on the lessons, yo!" (yes, that's yo and not you) but now I don't say it anymore. I want the lessons to present themselves at the speed and complexity that the Universe deems fit; it/he/she knows that I am more than equipped to handle it.
I constantly hear people complaining about 2020 and what a shit year it was. I call bullshit on this. Yes, it was MAJORLY challenging, filled with sadness, grief and heart crushing stories, however, if you scale back and look from a bigger picture, it's been a blessing. It's changed the way we think and has asked us (to those who listen) to look at our beliefs and question ourselves as to whether we still follow these beliefs. I feel as if 2020 was a year that forced everyone to grow whether we realize it or not and we will be better off as a whole for it.
What I've learned from this past year (in no order of importance except for the first) is that I missed my little girls so much. Driving 2.5 hours a day to and from work took away time from the kids. Working from home and having both kids at home, while nutty and frustrating at times, was something that I've longed for for a LONG time and it was just as wonderful as I had imagined. Mind you, I am writing this as the house is still and quiet, no sound :) I've also learned that I needed to focus on me; my health and habits needed to be adjusted to get my mind, body and spirit clearer. I realized there were some people that I missed dearly and there were some that I didn't, and that's OK. I realized that I need to work on my confidence and self esteem, something that hasn't been as present as I would like it to be - I'm sure that will always be a work in progress. I realized that I need not overexplain myself to people and if they don't get me or don't want to get me that's OK, I'm not for everybody (this was recent and was seen through text as a meme). I have realized that I'm so blessed with my career, home, family, friends and health. I have learned that feelings need to be expressed as they eventually rise to the surface AND there are better ways to do this. I have realized that it's OK if I need to rest or take an afternoon nap. I also realize that there are a lot of things that I still haven't 'seen' and that there will be other epiphanies when the time has come to appear. I have dearly MISSED meditating, reading, cooking, nature, laughing so hard my sides and face hurt and 'being' so am making those more of a priority now.
I always find it amazing to go through a period of time and without really knowing it, the lessons are absorbed and transformed only to be picked up by the conscious mind. That's my philosophy class coming out there and more on that a little later as it feels as if my thoughts are done, for now. I offer this to you in hopes that you have or will reflect on this past year and that this post may have helpfed or brought some love/peace your way. (OK, now I'm tearing up - so I know what I've said is from the heart)
I wish you much love and health and peace and if you need to talk, I'm here.
Hello lovelies! I said to myself I was going to do youtube video readings for the signs starting January 2020. I have yet to find a system that I'm happy with as I did some practice ones already. You can check out the 4 I did here, if interested: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU7tN6QUzD8-z7dGJPTQZZw/videos. They are a bit cringe worthy to me but sharing nonetheless in case someone needs to hear a message. <3. To keep my promise to myself I've recorded the audio messages I received from the cards; you'll find them below. Please note that these are general readings for the signs (sun, moon and rising position - please ask if you aren't sure what that means) and if something resonates - great! Leave what doesn't.
Hope you enjoy and please let me know if you have any questions or feedback
Sorry, Pisces! I forgot to take this picture. If you need clarity on a card, I am happy to send you the picture individually XO
Here is a story that has been kept to few.. Once upon a time, there was a girl who met a boy. They met in BC and he was playing rugby that allowed him to travel around for awhile. He was able to come from New Zealand and play with clubs in Canada and around. He met this girl and they had a connection. That connection took the girl away from BC into territory unknown. Even after a few months of dating, that boy said to that girl, I'm now moving to England, come with me. WTF she said?! After many conversations with others, and herself, she did. They traveled far! They traveled to England, Belgium, France, Scotland until they found their stay in Ireland. A little town called, Abbeyfeale. She was alone and scared because she hadn't known of this wandering lifestyle and at 25 was getting everything so quick and so fast. They settled in to a house with a man, Declan, who was the Captain of the team. He was a Realtor and a real joker. She remembers him fondly and that house that had no heat, only but a fireplace to heat the 2 story 3 bedroom house at the time. It was October when they landed, and man, it was cold. Cold winds, cold rain. The girl learned she was pregnant. When she went to the Dr. to see what was to be done...how on Earth could she have a child that "young" she thought. Barely a child herself. Dr. said you must have it here, and if you don't, you must travel to England to seek other options. The girl, not wanting anything else but the baby said YES. The Dr. said and she is on any meds, she must stop NOW! Well, this poor girl had been on antidepressants for 6 mths and was told if you continue, you will damage your baby! Guess what.. The girl stopped..cold turkey. Day upon days she stumbled into walls that seem to push her..as if they were chasing her, it was a bad scene. After the withdrawal, she leveled out emotionally and allowed the happiness to flow. She knew that she had made the right choice no matter the circumstance or situation, that she felt 'complete.' Dada continued on his rugby weekends for a bit and it was decided that they, as a family, would go back to his homeland of New Zealand, so he could work for his father and do right by his family.
Dada would go for weekends at a time, leaving Mama in the big 2 storey house, with minimal heat (I'm sure she was invited but she wanted to be 'home') She was home, early with baby and would hear a kitten's cry. Mama, had learned that Abbeyfeale had so many kittens being born that people would take them and drown them in the water. Mama was outraged and watched out for every cat/kitten around to ensure that they had food, especially this little one. When she heard the cries, she went to the door, opened it up any only saw other front doors to the right and blackness (not developed land) to the left. Over one particular weekend, she kept hearing cries and would keep opening the door to see if she could find that soul.
The weekends that followed meant time was diminishing in Ireland and the cries became louder. She constructed a bed of wooden box, blankets and bought cream so she could leave out for the little being. One night, after pulling the box closer and closer to the door, she caught sight of the soul. A gorgeous, and tiny orange and white kitten who scampered off at first sight. Next weekend, she put the box outside the door and kept the door open so the kitten could feel the heat of the house, and the love. She said by the door and kept saying "it's OK" "it's OK."
Finally, 2 weekends later, the bigger kitten entered the house and found the bowl with the milk. The kitten ended up finding the lost girl waiting for her on the coach and curled up with her and started kneading her stomach where the girl's baby was growing. They grew close in the next few weeks before the girl had to go back to New Zealand and from that closeness, grew a bond that she remembers to this day .
It was then that I named her "Abbey" from Abbeyfeale. The last night we were there, she escaped into the attic of Declan's house and shit everywhere (because he scared her!) and we had to leave the next morning. This is for her, and I hope she got out alive and happy. It's been a weird wound that had been stuck with me but I'll always remember her sweet face and the first place she went to was my belly, my Ashlee.
Love you, Abbey, you got me through some lonely times xoxo Thank you! Also, I can't leave out the father of Ashlee, Johnny, who taught me a lot about myself and who helped me to be the person that I am today.
Writing this on the full moon of 12/12... thank you for hearing my words and bless those need it xoxoxoxooxo
Hello sweet souls,
I felt compelled to write this as I want to share all parts of this journey with you, not just when I’m feeling zestful and on the upswing. As we all know, or I hope know, is that we aren’t able to have the highs without experiencing the lows. I’m going through a bit, as of late – thanks to Scorpio season, perhaps?! It’s been for a week or 2 now. I feel that I have gotten to a place where I haven’t looked at some issues and it’s finally catching up to me – saying, yes, Jenna, you must look at ME now. With this beauty of a time, brings lethargy, aches/pains, headaches, hibernation cravings, hunger, crankiness and lots more!
I must help the little girl who isn’t quite free yet of sabotage, restricted love and not being listened to. Because at the end of the day, it’s not us as adults who have these issues, it’s come from us at the times we were little beings and when we had to rely on others for love, food, support and being supported In this lifetime. We learned how to cope as best we could and when we grow old enough to venture forth on our own, push all that aside (or bury it) hoping to be free of it for some time. Well, it has to return at some point and be released, if not, we will eventually become sick. Not to mention, if we don’t address it, we become stagnant and our energy stale.
My beautiful friend Tanya, shared a message with me “October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.” This rang very true and I don’t think my releasing and healing has been just about this year, but about decades. It’s a continual process and just when I think that I’ve got a handle on things and I’m feeling “clean,” BANG, wakeup call! My body says Hell no, we aren’t done yet!!! Have your 2 seconds, then it’s back to healing, my love.
Point is, if you are like me and going through a tiring and heavy time, remember to listen to you and remind yourself that it’s OK to do what you need to recoup and feel your way through this process. Be gentle and kind to you and express what you need to express in healthy ways.
Thank Fuck Scorpio season won’t last forever! :P
If you need to talk, I’m here.
Anyone else experiencing massive shifts in 2019? I feel like as soon as 2018 ended, it cut clean, like a sharp blade (surprised that I've used that analogy as I'm terrified of knives) and has made way for a rebirth. I feel so different and not on a level I can describe, but on a level I cannot, and this is exciting and does not scare me at all. I'm diving into all things "spiritual," working on self and really wanting to help others. I find coaching, solely, no longer fills my soul as I want to change on a deeper level - a level I know I can. This is soul and cellular level.
My intuition is the topic of change for 2019 and learning how to access it more deeply and really trust how I receive divine guidance and what it says to me. I'm noticing and falling farther and farther away from toxic places, things and people and am the happiest when I'm surrounded by myself, my family, and those people that nourish my heart.
I hope that those that read this can identify with me and are having just as amazing time as I am. As I was walking to work this am, the sun was rising earlier than the last and I heard a wondering little feathered friend singing - I started to cry and wanted to stay in that space forever. Stillness, fresh air, beautiful sounds and expansion - it was beautiful! My purpose is to stay in this loving space as often and long as I can and help others do the same. If you feel like reaching out to chat - please do!
Much love to you all,